The other day my son called me to ask for help convincing his son to make a change his son didn’t necessarily want to make.
“Why do you need me to butt in?” I asked.
“Because you’re a woman and you won’t tell him to fuck off if he doesn’t agree to do it.”
I’m proud of his self awareness and slightly annoyed at his generalization.
“Just do that thing you do, you know, make him understand- in a nice way.”1
Oh geez, I thought, do I really want to do this? I used to always enjoy helping family members work through their problems. Now, I had to consider it first. I used to be a model of patience and persistence. I was the glue that held the family together.
Lately, it turns out I discovered I’m not Gorilla Super Glue: carefully applied it bonds forever.
I’m more like an Elmer’s School Glue Stick: easy to use and liable to fall apart.
How did I become unglued?2 Why don’t I automatically want to give advice? It started a few years back, I met my new neighbor Norm.3 He wanted to shake my hand. Of course, I refused. It went something like this.
“Hiya Jeanne, not sure if we’ve been properly introduced. Eh? I know you’ve heard of me, with me being famous and all. Wanted to stop by on account a’ I’m moving to your neighborhood. I might drop in any time from now on. We’ll have a chance to really get to know one another. Heh! Have you heard the one aboat the moth going to the podiatrist?”
I invited him in for tea.
They say your life flashes before you when you are near death. For me a calmness descended. I suppose I was too sick to know the danger, but I wasn’t afraid to have that long chat with Norm, not one little bit. It was only a few weeks after he’d gone home without me, that I began to wonder why no one was there at my side during those moments. Why hadn’t they come to the tea party? Was it because I didn’t invite them? I told my family I was fine. I told them there was no need to take off work or make arrangements for the dog so they could come and see me. They called every day. I only remember being awake just long enough to tell them it was nothing, no need to disrupt their routine, no need to be upset or worried. I’m fine. They believed me. After all, I was the sensible one, I was the fixer, I was always there. Why wouldn’t they believe me? They couldn’t or wouldn’t imagine me needing help. They couldn’t imagine me needing them.
I shouldn’t have lied. They should have suspected the truth. They should have been there. They should have visited come hell or high water. That’s what I would have done for any of them. That’s what I have done for all of them!
It made me sad, it made me angry, it made me question things. It made me change. I didn’t change who I am. As far as I can tell, I’ve been ‘me’ since the get go and I haven’t been able to alter that. I did change my actions, my habits, and my attitude. Most importantly, I talked it over with all of them honestly and I feel sure it won’t happen again. Regret, like apology, is preventable. If you take the proper action there is no need for apology, no reason for regret.
Regret is an exercise in imagination. You imagine how things would be different, if only…, you imagine how nice that would have been, if only... It isn’t and it wasn’t and it will never be unless you go forward. Did I call my grandson and do that thing I do? You bet I did, I’m good at it and I enjoy speaking closely with my grandchildren . Did I finally start writing and painting in earnest despite doubts? Yes I did. Do I have to work on the changes every day. Yes I do - not there yet. I do what I do as often and as well as I can. As my friend
posted yesterday on the STSC Discord:So, when Norm and I go hand in hand for that last long walk, I won’t be looking back over my shoulder… I’ll be laughing hysterically at the way he pronounces “cock”.
☮️
J
This is my submission to the STSC Symposium for May. The theme is regret. Do I ever regret joining the STSC Discord group and supporting what they do? Never! Please consider supporting them too.
I am nice, damn it!
Norm is Death. In my mind, death will always sound like Norm Macdonald who originally voiced The Grim Reaper in the cartoon Family Guy. Fulfilling an item on my bucket list, I saw Norm perform in April 2017. I look forward to going to all of his shows in the next life.
Beautifully portrayed. I liked how you convey the message that you "evolve" in your habits until the day you die. It ain't over till it's over.
This picked me up today. Thank you Jeanne.
"Have you heard the one about the moth going to the podiatrist?" LOL